05 Apr twirling through life
Twirling through life sounds very zen and graceful and perfectly momentous, especially coupled with the image above. However, at times, and this time in my life in particular, it feels more like a tornado twirl, like I’m a tasmanian devil spinning so fast and not sure where I am headed. I had a more graceful momentum last year and even at the beginning of this year when this photo was taken. I had a clearer direction. Until life started to move wildly fast, the calendar started to become too full again, and my spiritual practice was no longer a priority. Though the initiation into my spiritual journey began because of a burn out and a break up, I found myself making progress, cultivating my wings, only to find myself back in confusion and feeling disconnected again in these last few months. Not quite square one, but certainly not where I thought I was headed with the flow I was experiencing. What gives?
The reason writing and therapy helps is to work out what’s going on in my head. To answer the question, “What gives?”… well, I KNOW WHAT GIVES. WE ALL KNOW WHAT GIVES. We all know the answers, we’re just too afraid to do what we know we need to do. Too scared to take that leap, too scared to find what’s on the other side of fear. Last year, though I was moving forward and progressing, so much of my time was spent yearning to return to normalcy again. I kept begging for it, praying for it. When I started this journey nothing felt the same, in my body, in my mind, in my life. When I am able to sit with this resistance and yearning when it pops up I remember; there is no way to go back to how I used to be or the life I used to live. Simply because so much has changed and I am not the same person I was. I don’t have the same interests and my life is heading in a completely different direction than it was a year and a half ago. Also, there are so many aspects of it I don’t want to go back to, so why yearn? I realize as I am free writing this, that it’s up to me to create a new normal, no matter what that looks like to those around me.
Through the momentum and growth of the past year and making significant progress, getting pulled back into the ever so confusing in-between again has me puzzled at times. Experiencing the in-between before, I will say that it is not quite as uncomfortable or confusing this time around, but still uncomfortable and confusing nonetheless. What does the in-between feel like? Let me do my best to explain…or actually I’ll let Rory Gilmore explain.
“I’m feeling very lost these days. This whole year, it’s like the ground’s made of straw and I’m just going to fall through.” -Rory Gilmore.
This is exactly how it feels.
“Really, why is she quoting Gilmore Girls?…” Again, allow me to explain…
If you were ever an avid watcher of Gilmore Girls, or even if you’ve only captured a couple episodes you would know that Rory Gilmore was a smart, sweet gal with a good head on her shoulders. She seemingly had it all together, except maybe not so much in the boy department. Her life consisted of being praised personally and academically, attending Yale, and being the writer of all writers. So it came as a bit of a surprise when the new “A Year in the Life,” series came out, and Rory’s story line was as follows: career not going as well as she’d hoped post Yale grad, poor relationship decisions, and a move back home to Stars Hollow as she had no money or plan. Watching this happen in the show really struck a cord with me. Why? Well, I was watching it from home…my parents home… where I moved back last year, all thanks to this lovely in-between, not-sure-which-way-to-go and no-real-plan scenario. What adds to the confusion and uncertainty is that I am nearing my 30th birthday, so shouldn’t I have it all figured out by now?
Well, that’s why I am here, quoting Gilmore Girls. To be honest, watching the 32 year old Rory Gilmore flailing made me feel a little more comforted and okay about my own current flailing feelings. If Rory is experiencing it, I can’t be the only one. And of course I know GG is fiction, but having met others who have gone through the sometimes tumultuous shifting of their late 20s, while experiencing their Saturn Moon Return (I’ll have to do another article on that but in the meantime, here’s an intro to it) provides some sort of comfort as well.
Despite the frustration, the bewilderment and the uneasiness of this transition phase, it’s not all negative. Time to look at the positives! I do look back with gratitude on how far I have come and remember that this process is a shedding, and a rebirthing. In the beginning I felt like I was drowning, treading water. Then I felt like a newborn in new skin, naked and exposed, peering out into the world with new eyes. This then became what felt like relearning to walk, each step felt wobbly, and like the floor was thin and fragile beneath my feet. Now, though still pushing through discomfort, my steps feel a bit more sturdy, but incredibly shy. I hope that with more practice, faith and continuous momentum forward, my legs will become incredibly sturdy, with only a small side of shy, my roots so far in the ground that only something as strong as hurricane even has a chance to uproot me.
Questions that come to mind now are; how does one get to that sturdy point, how does one get out of the in between? The Gilmore Girls Netflix series with it’s surprise ending definitely left me hanging and did not touch on this. Though I am no guru, I do have a theory: just do what it takes to come back home to yourself. This was what I started with when I began the self exploration journey last year. It was a process of weeding out things that I absolutely knew I didn’t want or need, remembering what always used to make me happy, to explore more and try new things, and to solely focus on myself, for myself. Finding spirituality on this journey was a savior. In the times this hasn’t been a priority, life seems to feel very unsteady.
So, how does one come back home to themselves after losing their way?
It’s different for everyone I assume, but for me it’s a combination of:
Meditation- it calms my racing mind that keeps me living and acting out of fear. It helps me sleep. It really keeps me in tune with what my intuition (or what I like to call my soul language) without the ego controlling and nagging. When I am moving too fast in life, the anxious mind becomes stronger and has me acting and reacting out of fear.
Yoga- it grounds me, keeps me present, helps to clear any stagnation in my body to expand.
Women’s circles- they help me express myself and feel heard without judgement, as does therapy.
Positivity- being mindful of surrounding myself with positive people. Doing my best to turn negative thoughts into positive ones.
Reading inspirational books- I’m not afraid to say that I love self help books, they’ve gotten me through a lot and helped me understand myself better.
Art- viewing it, creating it.
Moving my body- walks, hikes, dancing. Dying to try Moved LA.
Loving my body- self love. self care. baths. massage. healthy eating (according to what works for my body)
Alone time- to hear my own thoughts and not be influenced by too many other voices, that then become voices in my head to sort through. To strengthen my independence and learn to trust myself more and more.
Community- contradicting alone time, yes, but it’s all about balance. Having a community of people with similar interests in my life brings more joy, connection and love. I particularly love the wellness community.
Trying new things- this is what helped me find what makes me light up.
Travel- brings me to LIFE and inspires me.
It’s funny how most of the time we know what we need to do but when life gets scrambled we tend to lose sight of our goals, our intentions, or ourselves. Just writing this I went from anxious and worried, to a more calm and content state, writing out my own prescription to find my center again. Sometimes you just have to wade through the mess, or as my friend once told me “just keep rolling in the shit,” until you’ve had enough, put your foot down, and get back to the things that help to illuminate your most desired path- no matter what it takes.
I started free writing this article last week when I was sitting in confusion, paralyzed, and unsure which way to move. And today as I close, I am sitting with a community of women, co-working on a rooftop in Venice, having made two important decisions this week to make some changes and move forward; no matter how uncomfortable, scary, or irrational they may seem. I already feel a shift and more certainty from pushing myself through some fears and landing on some decisions.
Ready to take my time, live in love and faith (instead of in fear of uncertainty) and keep immersing myself in things that light my soul on fire. If you’re reading this and you’ve lost your way, I urge you to write your own prescription and hope that it helps you to find your way back to yourself as well.
Be easy, take your time, you are coming home to yourself. – Nayyirah Waheed